The Fairer Sex

Let’s just get one thing straight…I’m not a pig. All this time I’ve spent dwelling on the seamier side of temptation might have some of you confused about where my loyalties lie. Just so you don’t go thinking I’m some sort of misogynistic sexist gigolo, let me set the record straight…

I am a man. But I am not proud of it. Yes, I have this penis because that’s what I was born with. It is my plight in life. The cross that I must bear. However, as much as I like to use it (when the time is appropriate, of course), the penis has been the cause of much confliction for the male sex, and a detestable offense for God’s chosen people…women.
*As a side note, I am well aware of the fact that the Jews are considered to be God’s chosen people - I will not argue that point. I will instead be an obstinate ass and disagree. However, if you happen to be a Jewish woman…you are definitely special.

What I’m really trying to say is that I have a real soft spot in my heart for women - and this has nothing at all to do with sex. I am appalled by the way this world has treated women. The abuse, the violence, the enslavement. It makes me sick to my stomach. And I wont even get into the atrocities that women in other countries have to deal with. Let’s just stick to the good old United States…Why is it that women weren’t allowed to vote in federal elections until 1920? Now I realize I just jumped from indicting victimization to highlighting more of a socio-political allowance, but these are all symptoms of the same root of evil. Men and women were created equal, right? Well, somewhere between the time that Eve AND ADAM shared an apple and now, there has been a gross misconception born: The PENIS is more powerful and more important and more potent than the VAGINA. THIS IS JUST SIMPLY NOT TRUE! And out of this lie has been born all the violence, maligning and injustice males have wrought on females.

While traipsing the streets of Chicago at night, I am apt to cross to the other side if I find myself coming in too close behind a woman who is walking alone. Why? Because, unfortunately, the state of things in this country has deemed me a predator unless proven otherwise. I hate feeling that I might make a female fear me - just because she is alone. Things should not be this way. But what do I do, yell out an unsolicited, “it’s okay, I won’t hurt you, I’m only a man”? Yeah, that’s a great idea. Though she might take comfort in the fact that I’ve seen “The Vagina Monologues” 3 times and, in fact, prefer it over say…The Super Bowl, a dark alley is probably not the proper place to try and justify myself.

During the summertime, it becomes especially difficult. For with the heat comes a lax approach to clothing. And when the ladies start dressing “down”, the men in this town stoop to all new lower levels. The ogling, the suggestive remarks, the threatening encroachments. It’s just too much for a male feminist. Personally, I feel like women should be able to dress however the hell they want, without the fear of overt and unwanted attention.

Just a few weeks ago, in the middle of a blizzard, mind you, a middle aged Polish guy *(nothing against Polish people - all races of men are equally pigs) lingered at a stop sign to eye the backside of a girl who was probably only 14 or 15 years old. You know, his daughter’s age. I immediately wanted to hurt him. But all I could think to do was yell, “What are you looking at!” When the girl turned and saw what was going on - the Polish guy cut his gaze to me, and spun off into a bank of snow. It wasn’t the swift kick in the balls and lesson in exploitation I wanted to give him, but it was good for a quick fix.

This is a challenge to all of you. If you are a woman, I apologize on behalf of sleazy men everywhere. There is no excuse. But don’t let us get away with this type of behavior. Fight back. A good “fuck off” works sometimes, but you have to make them believe it. Otherwise, the big apes are liable to take it for some kind of sick advance. Help support people like: http://hollabackchicago.com Call those bastards out.

And if you are a man, well then, you’re probably guilty of acting like a sexist asshole. And you probably let your looks linger too long on suspecting and unsuspecting females - cut that shit out! However, if you are like me and are tempted to take the high road for a change. If you are tempted to recognize women for who they are: as smart, as talented, as important and as capable as any man. If you are tempted to respect women for the first time in you life. Then…I have a little advice for you…give in.